This is a real text my husband got from me and posted to Facebook with the caption, "Damned if I do, damned if I don't."
I am addicted to television.
I say this with only a hint of irony, mostly with a good dose of self-pity. Oh, and to get even more honest, I'm addicted to bad reality tv.
Real Housewives? For sure.
Spin-off trash monster Vanderpump Rules? You betcha.
"Guiliana + Bill, Seasons 1-3." Check, check, and check.
I'm an abstainer by nature.
Meaning that moderation is nearly impossible for me. If I eat one Thin Mint, I'm eating 10. But I don't have any Thin Mints in the house, I'm totally fine.
So having 40 inches of flat screen temptation sitting in the same room as my office/dining room/living area all day makes avoiding the tv next to impossible for me.
And that is why, hey hey, ho ho, this Comcast subscription has got to go.
In other words, I'm cutting the cable cord, for good.
There are a few quality shows that I enjoy and would like to keep watching (The Mindy Project, New Girl, Scandal, Parenthood), all of which are available on Netflix. This combined 2 hours of television a week would be a massive improvement to the 2 hours I spent every night currently. (And I'm not even including the time spent watching Kardashians marathons.)
So, bye bye Nashville.
So long Millionaire Matchmaker.
Hasta la vista Mujeres de la Casa de Miami.
The reason why I've not gotten rid of my cable yet is two-fold.
The first is that getting rid of vices is hard. Trashy tv is like sugar, it gives you a headache but it feels so good. The second is Cam is not interested. Like, at all.
So, I had to get a little creative and have developed my own Super Snazzy 4-Step Plan to ensure that Comcast gets the boot. (If you are similarly afflicted, please borrow, alter, and share as you see fit.)
4-Steps to go from Comcast B*tch to Mega-Rich:
Step 1) Public Shaming.
Call myself out in front of friends, colleagues and strangers on this blog and Facebook.
It's important for me to acknowledge that even though I think Jax is a cheating douchebag and Stassi is 10x worse than he could ever be, I'm the real a-hole for spending time watching their nonsense while they get paid to be vapid, vain *ssclowns.
Status: Complete. Thank you for helping me:)
Step 2) Convince Cam getting rid of cable is necessary.
Getting my moderate tv watching, DVR'd sports obsessed husband on board has proved challenging. Current arguments I'm utilizing:
We could save $130 A MONTH on switching just to internet. (See Step 4 to realize exactly what $130/month can add up to.)
We will still get live basic channels using bunny-ears.
We can use Hulu and our existing Netflix account to watch almost all the shows we enjoy on demand.
It could be my Christmas and belated 30th birthday present.
It would make me so happy. Happy wife, happy life, right?
Status: In progress. Very tricky.
Step 3) Get my life back.
I will Comcast take back their mindrot and shove it, thus giving me an embarrassingly large amount of time back every week.
Status: To occur exactly one minute after Step 2.
Step 4) Get Rich.
Putting an extra $130 a month into our index fund account and watching it turn into almost $25,000 in 10 years.
Again, suck it Comcast.
Status: To occur in a greater amount every month immediately following Step 3.
I need your help.
Have you gotten rid of cable in the past? Do you feel lighter, richer, hotter without the brain drain in the center of your living room? Do you have steamier sex, a hotter bod, speak 10 languages now that you don't watch tv?
Please comment below so I can use these tips and arguments to win Cam over:)